I never thought I'd put the word 'bad' in my 'inspirations' for this year. I was trying to see the silver lining in all things, but right now I'm having trouble seeing it. Perhaps there can be inspiration found in having a bad day.
Something was in the air as I drove to work. A dream I couldn't shake off all day. I just had images, but no full picture to work with. The sun was out, the sky was blue, the leaves were vivid shades of red, orange and yellow, but why did I feel so strange? I was not really here nor there. I felt like I was just going through the motions of what I normally do.
I enjoyed a nice lunch and a walk with my husband earlier in the afternoon. He commented on how the tree colors were much more vivid with his sunglasses on. I asked him if I could try his sunglasses out to see since I couldn't locate mine.
"Yes, the colors of the trees have much more depth with these on," I replied.
We enjoyed a pleasant walk along the Sound. We are housesitting in a lovely house here.
It seems rather ridiculous that there could be anything 'bad' about today. And perhaps bad isn't even the right word because I know there could be worse...much, much worse.
So my first class at the college went just fine, but my second class only had about 15 out of 30 students in it and two of my volunteers were gone. The students were tired and some complained of pain (I have a number of students on disability in my ESL class). The overall mood was kind of low, but I made the best of it and it turned out okay. With the smaller class size, I had a chance to actually talk to the students, not just TEACH them.
On the way home, a creeping feeling came back. It was the same strangeness I felt on my way to work. I walked in the door and said to my husband, who was sitting on the sofa in the other room, "Today was a strange day. Several of my students felt a lot of pain."
He said, "I feel pain too." We were not in the same room. I was putting things away in the kitchen and just sort of stopped what I was doing.
I went to the living room and sat in silence and he gave me the story. He has to move out of his yoga studio by Monday. The business he put all of his heart and soul into will no longer be, at least not where it is now. For almost four years, so many students have come to practice there. It's a beautiful studio with so much love, art from the students, peace. So many have contributed to this amazing space and it's not easy to let it go. I know many will be saddened by Yoon no longer being there. More than 1,000 students have walked through the doors of his beloved studio. It embodies his peaceful nature. He put everything into it.
But it was not enough. The rent and fees for running the space near Seattle were just too high. So he's going to move everything out on Saturday and move the business to our house.
I should feel compassion and love and offer sympathy and say, "Everything will be fine," but that's not what I offered this evening. I worried about having space. Space to write, space to be, my own space. I guess I worried what would happen to our lives by moving the business back home. There would be people coming in and out for classes in our tiny home. We have to clear out the furniture, keep the bathroom clean and the space spotless. What about our own private time together? Would it become non-existent?
But what are the alternatives?
I shared my feelings with my husband, but the timing was not right. He's still trying to wrap his head around the fact that he has to move out by Monday. It was too much for him to think about and now he's out somewhere roaming the streets.
I know there's a silver lining to every bad day. I know it.
I feel a lot of change is in the air. I feel up in the air. I don't know what direction I need to take on anything. I want to breakthrough this sort of inertia I've been feeling lately. I wrote this post because I have to be honest.
I don't think I know what to do anymore. Life is confusing and sometimes it feels like the same thing over and over again with different spices or scenarios to make it look different, but it's all really the same.
People have bad days, some have good. People have newborns and some people die. Some people get sick and some run marathons, some people break up and some come together. It's the ebb and flow of life. I'm hanging on though and fearing any change for some reason. But perhaps change is inevitable.
I know I will welcome it. It's the only way to grow.......
What do you do when you don't know what to do or are having a bad day?