Finally Friday Week 5: Life is Not Roses All the Time

"When I am able to include myself as a part of all life, I'm vast and infinite. I'm the rose that is dying and the one that is blooming at the same time."—Katherine Jenkins

I'm a pretty optimistic person. I usually see the silver lining in most situations. I don't believe that "life is hard," I believe life is life and we get to decide how we choose to view it and live it.

But sometimes you get knocked down, strung out, lost, confused, used and maybe even abused.

Maybe a family member dies, a lover leaves, a friend takes advantage of you, you lose your job, house, car, grounding, footing.....you are down and out, down for the count, out of commission, out of business, lost, in a funk, stuck, spinning your wheels...

You get the idea.

Nothing really dire, in the scheme of things, happened to me. I did lose a cousin unexpectedly in November. One minute she was bursting with life, making plans with her friends, going to football games and zumba classes and the next moment she was gone. Well, it did make me stop and ponder. It made me think about life and how short it is and how we just don't really know how much time we have left. It made me want to love more and embrace the moment more.

I've also felt disappointed in a friend very recently, but I am now looking at that and wondering what in me allowed me to be disappointed. After all, can anyone make us disappointed, angry or even sad? If we are all reflections of one another, what in me made me feel this way. Obviously I felt hurt by something, but it's my choice how I react and what I do about it.

Usually I try to take the high road. I give the person the benefit of the doubt. I send healing energy and love and move on.

This time I feel sort of stuck in a funk about it. I felt like I needed to address the situation. Life is not roses all the time, right?

So sometimes I just allow myself to feel what I'm feeling. Not change it. Just feel it.

I woke up feeling a little sick to my stomach and had a headache too, but it is one of the most beautiful days outside in the Pacific Northwest. A day to go down in the books! The full moon was glorious last night and I met with good friends over good food.

I'm feeling better. I got really quiet this morning and early afternoon. I meditated a bit. I allowed myself to do nothing and to just be. I felt every unpleasant sensation wash over me, and  I'm coming around now.

Warm camomile honey tea has helped. My husband massaged my head, shoulders and neck and made me some hot chicken soup. I had a banana and lots of water. I'm feeling better. We are housesitting right now and I think cats can sense when you are feeling down. One of the cats plopped down on my stomach and its warm body against mine was very soothing.

I think all of these little things have helped.

Now I'm feeling good enough to actually take a meditative walk outside while the sun is still out and there is still daylight. I obviously feel good enough to show up on this blog and write this post, which was actually meant for Friday, but I've been having trouble getting here on Fridays :)

I know you can relate. I know all of us have had bad days. We all go through different things in life. Sometimes we think that what we are going through is more difficult than what the next person is going through. Sometimes it's easy to get stuck in a 'woe is me' frame of mind about life.

But then I'm reminded of the life that is all around me: the beautiful sun, cherry blossoms, flowering bushes, fish in the pond, the two cats on the sofa, the hummingbirds and chickadees outside flittering about. Life is changing and moving constantly. Things wither and die and new life blossoms. Life is vibrating all around us and in us. I, the personality part of me, is so small with all my thoughts, emotions, pains, inconveniences, etc., but when I am able to include myself as a part of all life, I'm vast and infinite. I'm the rose that is dying and the one that is blooming at the same time.

Have you recently felt unpleasant about anything? What did you do to see the situation in a new light?

365 Inspirations—327: Swimming Up Stream and Dying

"Each thing is of like form from everlasting and comes round again in its cycle."—Marcus Aurelius

Today my husband and I headed to Piper's Creek at Seattle's Carkeek Park to see the salmon spawn. There were dead salmon carcasses all along the creek bed. Only the strong few had made it to the end of the creek.

The salmon were returning, some of them after being out in the ocean thousands of miles from the creek, to their natal grounds. Salmon always return to where they were born to spawn and then they die.

Can you imagine making a trip thousands of miles back to your birth place only to leave your eggs and then DIE?

Now I know we humans are not salmon, but what a selfless act. I couldn't help but stare at the salmon still struggling in the water with the last ounce of energy they had trying to leap up the stream. They were shaking and struggling to make it just a few more feet.

Staring at them in the silvery, frigid creek made my heart open. I was rooting for them from a little mossy footbridge. They were determined to leave their eggs and even protect them until there was nothing left of them.

This made me think of the cycle of life—of birth and death. It made me think of how natural it is in nature, but how far humans have come from seeing how natural it is.

We celebrate birth and mourn death. We can't see the two as part of this amazing cycle—this force of life that is in every animate thing.

I no longer saw the separation of my life from that of the salmon's life. It made me want to LIVE and love with full force, but without attachment. It made me want to rejoice and honor all of life that is pulsating and vibrating all around me. I'm also ONE who is pulsating and vibrating and I'm also part of all that I see, taste, touch, smell, breathe. I'm also here experiencing and living. I want to do that fully. I believe I am.

I don't own anything or anyone—but what I do here can make a difference, I believe.

And for all the salmon lying there lifeless along the riverbed, I felt gratitude. They instinctually returned to where they were spawned so that the cycle of life could continue.

I too will die and life will continue. What I do here may not seem that significant, but every little thing I do, especially if it is with good intentions, can change the course of things for the better.

Do you believe what you do can make a difference in the world in which you live?

365 Inspirations—272: The Passing of My Teacher, SN Goenka

“For real happiness, for real lasting stable happiness, one has to make a journey deep within oneself and see that one gets rid of all the unhappiness and misery stored in the deeper levels of the mind.”—SN Goenka

Today my meditation teacher passed away. I started practicing Vipassana in the tradition of SN Goenka in 1996. This practice changed my life. I sat that very first course in Kathmandu, Nepal with my now husband, then monk, Yoon.

The first course was so hard for me, I did not think I could continue, but year after year, I returned to sit a 10-day silent course and even sat longer courses. I signed up last month to sit a 10-day course over Christmas in North Fork, CA. That's where I'll be on Christmas and it feels right, especially since my lovely teacher just passed.

I had the privilege of meeting SN Goenka when he was doing a North American tour in 2002. That was a very long time ago. I went to Canada with my best friend Lena and sat with many people for a one-day course. I was able to talk and ask him a question. I don't quite remember the question, but the answer was "to keep on practicing."

In 2007, I traveled to India for the Teacher's Self Course with my husband and once again had a chance to sit with my teacher.

I am so grateful for all the metta (loving kindness) he shared with so many people. I'm so grateful that I found meditation and was and am still able to practice it.

I've written many posts here about Vipassana meditation and the benefits. Here's one post I wrote after my return from a long course of 45-days which will give you an idea of the practice.

In my book, Lessons from the Monk I Married, I thanked SN Goenka for teaching me meditation.

Right now I feel like sitting down on my meditation cushion. I feel like that is the best offering I can give this wonderful man at this moment.

365 Inspirations—262: Transitions (i.e. marriage, children, new job, loss of job, divorce, death)

"Divorce, disease and death don't have to be terrible journeys that we should all avoid, they can be enlightening journeys of growth, depth and new understanding."—Katherine Jenkins

CHANGE

How do you feel about that word?

Transition is my inspiration today. Life is full of transitions, some small and some life changing.

Our world seems to be getting smaller and smaller. All we have to do is log onto Facebook or Twitter and we find out in an instant who gave birth or who died.

Most people like to share the good things on these sites. We see hundreds of pictures of newborn babies from every angle. Wedding pictures splatter the pages showing happy faces and sunshine. Those traveling to exotic locations around the globe like to include albums of their travel pics (I'm one of those people). It's enlightening and uplifting to read about these transitions. We prefer, on average, to share those transitions which are positive.

But what about the not-so-postive transitions? What about divorce, disease and death? The three Ds? Not many people are willing to share these or look at these as a transition anyone would CHOOSE to have.

The funny thing is that we will ALL, each one of us, get sick at one point or another and we will ALL die.

I know you are thinking, "Please don't remind me, I don't want to hear it, I want to focus on the positive transitions!"

I don't know what it is about our culture that makes us afraid to except all transitions equally as passages to a new way of living. One is not better than the other, it is just different.

Divorce, disease and death don't have to be terrible journeys that we should all avoid, they can be enlightening journeys of growth, depth and new understanding.

If everything in life were simple and easy, full of ponies and rainbows and sunshine, then why would we need to make any effort at all.

I realize that being a positive person may make it difficult for others to open up to me about their own suffering or uneasiness. Sometimes it is even difficult for me to open up on such topics because who wants to be a downer, right?

The truth is, when I do choose to share that my day is not going so well or that I'm suffering in some way, people are often very empathetic and supportive. Why? Because THEY'VE BEEN THERE. We have all been there.

Maybe they haven't had exactly the same experience, but each one of us has had to go through our own share of not-so-wonderful times.

No matter what any of us may be experiencing at this moment in time, there's one thing for certain. IT WILL CHANGE.

The process may not feel nice. We may even feel like running away or escaping. But if we can move through the transition. If we can look at our situation and say, "This is happening right now. Things are changing. I'm going through this transition. I'm here and witnessing it and hopefully learning and growing from it," then it doesn't matter what we may be experiencing or going through. It is in fact all the same: a learning experience.

And now you are asking, "What transition are you going through?"

And here it is:

My husband is planning on closing his yoga studio in order to pursue a self-sustained business model. I believe this is necessary and will turn out extremely positive, but the process is scary. He has built a very wonderful community near Seattle. I believe that community will continue, it will just take on a different form.

Do you tend to embrace transitions (positive or negative), or do you try to avoid them like the plague? 

365 Lessons-Lesson 26: Let Go of Fear

I must be in sync with some of my other blogger friends because they have also touched on this subject. It's a big one, so it's worth addressing again and again. Right now my Facebook status update reads, "What are you afraid of?" I'm sure some of my friends had an idea that one of my intentions of asking that question was to gather thoughts for a lesson here. The answers people wrote were: spiders, being a bad person, getting old, losing my loved ones, failure, success and severe pain (success and severe pain were mine and I questioned if those are separate things or if they go together). The list of what we all fear could very possibly be a endless blog post. Everyone fears something.

I have another blog called Writer's Rising. It's a collaborative blog for writers. Recently there have been several new authors added (If you are interested in writing for Writers Rising, leave a comment or send me an e-mail). One new writer named Sai from New Delhi, India (his blog is Waves Upon The Shore) really struck a cord with me about fear. Just as I was about to post this, he also posted on this topic in his introduction. He talked about how he used to be afraid to write because he worried about what others might think of his writing. He would edit his writing so much that nothing was left of himself. He let go of this. The result is beautiful. In his intro on Writers Rising, he talks about a chant he says to himself. It is "Aham Brahamsmi" or "I am the universe." I LOVE this. Basically this means that all the strength of the universe is ours.

It's no easy task to learn to let go of fear. Fear blocks us. It creates a shield and I believe it blocks our ability to realize that we are, in fact, the universe. That there is something beyond what our tiny minds can perceive. There is a greater force at work...call it God, higher consciousness, grace, or whatever you wish.

For me, when I realize that I am just a small dot in a much bigger picture of things, I lose a lot of that fear. In deep meditation, many of the parmeters of "myself" start to disappear. I start to expand. I no longer know where I begin or where I end or if there is even this "I" I speak of. There seems to be just space which encompasses all things within it.

I still have fear. I am not immune to it. I am human. It comes and goes. I still worry what people might think of me or my writing. It is still scary to open myself up. It's risky. Yes, it's a very big risk. But, I'm willing to go there. Why? I have learned so much by diving into this fear of mine. I have met other people, like Sai, who also share this fear. I feel that by opening up, I start to actually let go. I realize that there is not much difference between you and me and what we fear. It may be different things, but it's all the same. It's fear.

Other things I fear or have feared in the past are not having enough money, severe pain, my health, death of a loved one, having a car accident, technology etc. etc. This is all I can think of right now.

Eleanor Roosevelt said, "You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself, I lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes along. You must do the thing you think you cannot do."

Fear is debilitating. It is restricting. Fear tells us, "Don't do anything because it might be wrong or something might happen." If your intentions are good, how could something be wrong and what could really happen to you anyway? These are all just "coulds". We are saying, "This could happen or that could happen." These are all just thoughts. Nothing has happened yet, has it? If you are fearing a situation that happened in the past, who knows, it might be different this time around.

I have found that the only way to embrace my own fears is to believe that everything will be just fine. That I will be o.k. and so will others. That, as Franklin D. Roosevelt once said, "The only thing we have to fear is fear itself." The rest are just projections in my own mind of what might happen.

Ultimately, it is the fear of our own death that we are afraid of, isn't it? Of the extinction of ourselves and others. That everything about the lives we are living will terminate at some point in time. What happens after depends on what you believe. Knowing that we have such a limited time for this life, I intend to face as many of my fears as possible and expand and share with as many people as possible. Time is so precious and the time we have in this life is limited. Who has time for fear?